Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Cedar Point: Worst Amusement Park, Ever.

Over the weekend, my (wonderful. don't let the 'ex' prefix fool you) ex-boyfriend decided that he had to visit Cedar Point Amusement Park in Sandusky, Ohio. Apparently their craptastic website wasn't quite crappy enough to deter him (Planet Snoopy? Seriously? ...And then the picture following for Group Tickets looks like a montage of SpEd field trips, the 'Castaway Bay' guy looks constipated... I could go on for ages... see for yourself.). Maybe he didn't visit the website beforehand and was just looking for a fun, out of the the ordinary weekend activity? Maybe he just didn't believe it could be as bad as the pictures make it look? Unfortunately for him, it was.

Following his visit, he sent the following complaint, which I have reposted here for your reading pleasure:

To Whom it May Concern:

Opening an amusement park for the season is hard work. The logistics involved must be extremely complex, to which I'm sure your 138 some odd years of accumulated amusement park opening experience must attest. Apart from the inherent uncertainty in early season volume, and the general growing pains of training a new wave of employees, many of whom, let's just be honest, are probably not graduates of "high school" so much as "court ordered rehabilitation." These are the realities that any large business must face. Yet, one thing that you can probably foresee is the possibility that the denizens of your park might, at some point during their visit, want to ride a ride.

Naturally, I must admit; your website and advertising don't specifically mention that your seventeen roller coasters and seventy-six rides work. You probably got me on that one; their mere existence is something that I cannot dispute with the limited set of facts gleaned from my visit on May 10. What I can say is that, given the choice of waiting in lines for a combined 7 hours to ride one ride due to malfunction after malfunction, or getting chlamydia, I think the venereal disease comes up the clear winner.

There are many drawbacks to chlamydia. It is estimated that as recently as 1995, 15% of blindness worldwide was caused by the disease. It can cause inflammation that is painful and unsightly, and can disqualify one from, well, "intimate time" with the lady (or gentlemen) of one's choosing. However, if on Sunday morning, rather than having been at Ceder Point all day Saturday, I had simply contracted the aforementioned sexually transmitted infection, the following would be true: (1) I would have had (admittedly clumsy and unsatisfying) sex. (2) I would have, even after the necessary treatments, roughly eighty additional dollars. (3) If economists are to be believed, I would have created a cogent incentive for you to test your rides prior to taking people's money. And, most importantly, (4) I would feel substantially less dirty.

Now more than ever, I of course understand your policy of refusing refunds once people actually experience your product. Even if I were to reconnect with the $42.50 admission, the fond memories of amusement parks from my childhood, which were brutally disposed of at approximately 4:21 PM, are unlikely ever to be revived. Please understand, also, that the next time someone asks if I want to drive several hours to your park, I will assume immediately that they are trying to passive-aggressively destroy our friendship, and will never speak with them again.

Sincerely,
Greg

hahahaha. :)

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