Stop the Crocs!

OMG, vom. For the past few summers Crocs, the brightly colored, lightweight, holey-topped and sometimes jibbitz-adorned shoes intended to be used for boating or gardening have been growing in popularity. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why. I sat by with raised eyebrows and watched this trend grow among small children, their parents, and local boaters itching to expand their shoe wardrobe outside of the safe realm of Sperry topsiders. I rolled my eyes as friends and family members were slowly sucked into the trend, possibly spurred by a full page article (with pictures, oh, so many godawful pictures) published in my local paper last summer. I almost died when one of my good friends called me to tell me she was getting her boyfriend a pair, and asked what color I thought he'd like best and what jibbitz I thought he'd like as [awful] additives. "Jibbitz?!" I asked, "He's, um, almost 23 years old... Are you sure??... Crocs... Jibbitz... wait, Crocs?! Crocs with Jibbitz!? Seriously?!" I honestly have no idea what my friend was thinking (or what her boyfriend ever thought about his brightly colored jibbitz-decked new crocs). The subject became taboo.

I gleefully entered the long, cold stretch of winter, pleased that my croc exposure became limited to an occasional kid in a grocery store after soccer practice sporting crocs with socks. As spring peeked around the corner, I found myself looking around nervously. Was the trend over? Would people abandon their crocs, seeing them for the hideous mass of rubbery goo formed into "shoes" that they were? Would they come around and reappreciate the virtues of traditional flipflops and classic topsiders? Looking around my college campus, I began to think that they would. There is a Shoe God. His name might be ChristianLouboutinJimmyChooManoloBlahnik, but as long as it's not "Crocs," I'm happy. I realized that the absence of crocs may be due to my location. Surely college kids aren't a prime croc-wearing crowd. I headed home for the day to visit my hometown. Walking around downtown, I saw a few croc-ladden feet but noticed, delightfully, that the usual rainbow array of foot adornment seemed to be limited. I breathed a sigh of relief. Whew.

Then, I saw them. My friend sent me a link to the shoes pictured above, which are currently being sold for $49 a pair on the Bloomingdales website. I reiterate: OMG, vom. The former, in caps, was my initial thought. The latter, an abbreviated form of the word "vomit" was my initial reaction. Okay, I didn't really vomit, but I wanted to. The people at Crocs in Colorado have got to be kidding us. These are a cruel joke. Look at the name, for God's sake - Sassari!? More like "So Sorry," if you ask me. Clever homophony, Crocs guys. Haha, good joke. IMHO (which is all that really matters in this blog), the red and silver are, by far, the worst. The wedge style is quickly becoming beyond dated in all shoe materials, moreso in a mass of solid rubber foam. Do they have those little massager thingies that Adidas athletic sandals have/had?! Seriously. WTF? I cannot even write about these monstrocities any more. If I ever see these in person, I might die. I don't care how comfortable they are. There will never be any excuse to slip your feet into these uglies.

That is all.